the TUDOR TUTOR

Your cheeky guide to the dynasty

Archive for For fun!

The Tudor Tutor Comes to Cafe Press!

coexistbumper

After having united the houses of York and Lancaster, Henry VII slapped this spiffy sticker onto the backside of his horse —

Wouldn’t you like one too? (Or a t-shirt or mug?) Of course you would! You can get them at my new Cafe Press shop right here.

It’s Red Nose Day!

h8rednose

Today is Red Nose Day! It’s the 25th anniversary of this telethon and is put together by the people at Comic Relief, which looks to “”bring about positive and lasting change in the lives of poor and disadvantaged people, which we believe requires investing in work that addresses people’s immediate needs as well as tackling the root causes of poverty and injustice.”

You can upload a pic of yourself and add a red nose to it right here. Even Henry has his red nose on today!

Martin Luther Pottymouth

LutherPottyMouth

Seriously, had you any idea this guy was so…brazen? Have a look at some of his zingers:

  • “You are such outrageous, shameless blockheads.”
  • “You are a little pious prancer.”
  • “You hellish scum.”
  • “You vulgar boor, blockhead, and lout, you ass to cap all asses, screaming your heehaws.”
  • “You people are more stupid than a block of wood.”
  • “We despise your whorish impudence.”
  • “My soul, like Ezekiel’s, is nauseated at eating your bread covered with human dung.”
  • “You are a crude ass, and an ass you will remain!”
  • “You stink like devilish filth flung into Germany.”
  • “Listen, you ass, you are a particularly crass ass, indeed, you are a filthy sow!”
  • “You sophistic worms, grasshoppers, locusts, frogs and lice.”
  • “Since you are such vulgar blockheads that you think such lewd and stupid gossip will harm me or bring you honor, you are the real Hanswursts – blockheads, boors, and dunderheads.”
  • “You are like mouse-dropping in the pepper.”
  • “You are the true, chief, and final Antichrist.”
  • “You are the prostitute of heretics.”
  • “You are ignorant, stupid, godless blasphemers.”
  • “Snot-nose!”
  • “Perhaps you want me to die of unrelieved boredom while you keep on talking.”
  • “Even if your writings were from an angel from heaven I would take this horrible document, and, after having used it as toilet paper, wipe its nose.”
  • “You are a brothel-keeper and the devil’s daughter in hell.”
  • “Think what you will, so make in your pants, hang it round your neck, then make a jelly of it and eat it like the vulgar sows and asses you are!”

There’s much more where that came from here.

To punish thy self with random insults from Luther, go here. Have fun! (??)

Scotland the “Brave”

I see so many Tudorphiles who are smitten with Elizabeth I because of her sheer don’t – need – a – man independence. Love for the perceived moxie in Anne Boleyn’s personality is another common thread for this dynasty’s devotees. If either of these statements describes you, you’re going to love the new Disney/Pixar film, “Brave”!

Without making this a film review, I do want to say I enjoyed the movie much more than I’d expected. Pixar’s past (“Toy Story,” “The Incredibles,” etc) has put us in a position where we judge each new installment against other Pixar offerings, instead of on its own merit, or against other films. This is what happened with “Cars 2.” And I know I’m in the minority, but I feel that “Up” was incredibly overrated. The first 10 excellent minutes should have been a short, and that’s it. No grumpy guy, no annoying boy scout, no annoying bird, no annoying talking dogs … I’m sensing a pattern here.

So when I read some top-critic reviews before going to “Brave,” I thought I’d be underwhelmed again. I was wrong. Maybe it’s my affinity for Scotland, for that “1,000 years ago” nostalgia, for royal history. Maybe it’s my delight at a female protagonist with cheek to spare (and a gorgeous head of ginger corkscrews which cannot be contained, much like the girl herself).

Have a look at this clip. “I’ll be shootin’ for my OWN HAND.” Shades of Elizabeth I, for sure. Get out and see it as soon as you can; thank me later. =)

His Majesty’s Meme

Do you want to be the one to tell Henry VIII that this meme is over?

I sure don’t!

Toasting with the Tudors

Feeling festive? I hope we all are, by now! So that you can enjoy the holiday season and keep our favourite historical family in mind at the same time, I give you my Tudor-inspired toastmakers to enjoy* during the Christmas season, for New Years, for the third Thursday in January, or for whenever you like.  I did create these so do blame me if you love them or loathe them; I hope it’s the former!

(Yes, there are generalisations of each Tudor’s personality in this piece and I realise that we can’t pigeonhole them with just a few words; please allow the descriptions for the sake of the post. Thanks!)

The Henry VII (dependable and non-extravagant) Mix a bottle of shiraz with 1 cup of orange juice, 2 cinnamon sticks, 1 sliced orange, 1 cup of sugar, 1/2 cup of cardamom pods, and about 5 whole cloves. Simmer and serve very warm.

The Henry VIII (big and charismatic) Drop 2 big scoops of dark chocolate ice cream into a frosty mug and top with cold Guinness.

The Catherine of Aragon (long-lasting and loyal) For white sangria, mix 1 bottle of white Rioja with 1/4 cup sugar, 1 sliced peach, 1 sliced mango, 1 cup sliced strawberries, 2 sliced apples, and 1 sliced lime in a large punch bowl. Add ice.

The Anne Boleyn (spicy and spirited) In a martini glass, pour 2 oz vodka, 2 0z ginger brandy, and 1/4 cup lime juice; mix.

The Jane Seymour (low-key and family-oriented) For non-alcoholic eggnog, slowly heat 1 cup of milk and a 1/4 cup of condensed milk with a pinch of cloves and cinnamon in a saucepan. In a separate bowl, whisk 2 egg yolks with 1/3 cup sugar. Very slowly, whisk some of the the hot milk mixture into the egg mixture drop by drop, then add it all back to the saucepan with a sprinkle of nutmeg and 1/2 cup heavy cream, whisking constantly.

The Anne of Cleves (pleasant and barely noticeable) Pour a tall wine glass of cold riesling and garnish with a lemon wedge

The Katherine Howard (light and bubbly) Add just a drop of peach nectar to a Champagne flute, top with Champagne or sparkling wine, and float a few fun raspberries at the top

The Catherine Parr (a strong ending) To a cup of hot coffee, add  1/2 cup Frangelico or other hazelnut liqueur. Top with a dollop of whipped cream and a sprinkling of ground cocoa.

The Edward VI (small and a bit salty/sour!) Make a mini-margarita by combining 1/2 cup of lime juice with 1 oz tequila and a splash of triple sec, over ice. Be sure to salt the rim!

The Lady Jane Grey (over in an instant!) Mix 1/2 oz of amaretto with 1/2 oz of Kahlua, add a splash of cream, down as a shot, finished!

The Mary I (old-fashioned and staunch) Pour a dash of Angostura bitters and an equal amount of water over 1 tbsp sugar, add 1 1/2 oz  whiskey and set a twist of lemon peel on top.

The Elizabeth I (the center of attention) Pour 1 1/2 oz peppermint schnapps into a heat-proof glass, add 1 1/2 oz of Bacardi 151 and a splash of pomegranate juice, stand well back and carefully light with a long match or lighter, blow out after a few seconds.**

*Enjoy responsibly and if you’re of-age, of course.  **Obviously, do not drink this whilst it is still flaming and I have no responsibility for complications that come from this process. ***Silly that anyone needs to add disclaimers such as these but at the present time it seems the norm.

My Apologies to Holbein…

Image

So I had a bit of fun this morning with the famous Henry VIII portrait, as you can see above. You’ll need to click on the image for the full effect. 😉

Okay, okay, back to work for me!